


a bittersweet 'what if'

by criminalhotch



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Hurt Spencer Reid, I don't know what I was doing when I wrote this, M/M, Minor Canonical Character(s), Moreid, POV Spencer Reid, Pining Spencer, Sad Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, reflection of his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:46:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25529896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criminalhotch/pseuds/criminalhotch
Summary: "Spencer knew it was absolutely irresponsible to harbor feelings for one of his coworkers, much less his alpha-male-smoking-hot-babe-magnet-coworker."orin which spencer reid reflects on the development of his feelings for derek morgan
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Savannah Hayes/Derek Morgan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	a bittersweet 'what if'

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a small snapshot from spencer’s pov on his feelings for derek and how his relationship w him has changed over the years. i’m on the season eight finale so all information abt seasons nine-fifteen that may be included in here are from what’s been spoiled for me lmao so if anything is incorrect, pls reach out. and the procedure mentioned in here was pulled out of my ass and i have no idea if its even possible so pls don’t rely on that information for anything. if you need an idea of the vibe of this fic, i listened to "old money" by lana del rey while writing and editing. tysm for clicking on this story, have fun reading :)

Spencer knew it was absolutely irresponsible to harbor feelings for one of his coworkers, much less his alpha-male-smoking-hot-babe-magnet-coworker. The logical part of his brain knew it was stupid and reckless, he spent most of his time with a bunch of _profilers_ for gods sake but he didn't find himself completely rejecting the idea of himself with the other man.

He couldn't even recall when it had started, he just remembered looking over at Morgan one night when they had stayed late at work, finishing up some files and thinking he was the most beautiful thing Spencer had ever laid eyes on. All dark skin and gleaming eyes, his brow furrowed and small creases etched into his forehead as he stared intently at the words on the paper in front of him. Spencer wanted to hold him, wanted to kiss away the frustration but he knew he couldn't do that. You couldn't just _do_ something like _that_.

"Hey Reid," Morgan had said, never moving his eyes from the page. "You know what this means?" He had picked up the paper, holding it up for Spencer to see and pointed to some words at the bottom of it.

Spencer cleared his throat and then read the file in front of him. "Yeah it's basically this procedure for your foot where they remove part of the bone after it's broken off. It takes approximately 8 hours and costs roughly 800-"

Morgan had nodded, not letting the other man finish and with a simple "thanks Reid," returned back to his work.

Spencer had narrowed his eyes at Morgan. This wasn't his usual behavior, he almost never cut Reid off, especially when he was answering a question. Spencer cut it down to him being tired. He knew the large workload and endless cases took its toll on all members of the team but the small thoughts in the back of his head challenged that reason. _It's because he can't stand you, he doesn't like your rambling and facts and statistics. He only puts up with you when he's around the team because he has to,_ the voice said. No, Spencer corrected himself. That's not it. Morgan's always nice and kind, even without the team. He's never like this, it's probably something else. _You sure about that?_ The voice persisted and Reid was almost willing to smack himself in the face to get rid of it. He stopped himself though, he knew what that would look like to Morgan and he didn't want to annoy him anymore. _Why would it matter what he thinks of you? He's your coworker, your friend and nothing more._ And even with all the thoughts swarming around in his genius brain, he felt it in his gut that the reason he cared what the older man thought was because he liked him. _He_ _liked Derek Morgan._

It had been a bit of a shock at first and Reid was 89.52% sure his breathing had changed when he had experienced the idea but was absolutely sure Morgan hadn't noticed it, _thank god._ It was a bit easier to think about after a few minutes and he kinda realized it wasn't a new notion. He had always liked Morgan, even if it was only subconsciously.

Ever since that night in the bullpen, Spencer had been more careful around Morgan, never rambling for too long and always zoning out when he brought up a current girlfriend. It was easier to pretend he hadn't heard anything than to confront the twist in his gut and the bile rising in his throat, both symptoms of what he knew was classic jealousy. He knew he had to move on, this crush wasn't healthy and all it did was get in the way of his job. Instead of his mind being filled with ideas about the case, it was usually occupied with thoughts about Derek, thoughts that were a bit too inappropriate for work. 

Slowly but surely, he started to get over Morgan. He had even met someone, a girl named Maeve. They talked via letters and phone booth calls and Reid felt the same feelings as before, this time for someone a bit more attainable. Everything would be perfect except for the fact that she was being stalked which definitely put a few obstacles in their relationship. Every night before the event, Reid dreamed of meeting her, of seeing her face, it wasn't until it was really happening that he wanted to take it back.

Maeve's death hit him like a truck. It took over his entire life, he couldn't think, he couldn't read, he couldn't process information and would stay staring at his blank walls for hours, the book she had given him wrapped in his arms. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to act, didn't know how he would ever be able to move on but begrudgingly he allowed the team to help him. They cooked him meals, left him presents, hugged him, and held him as he cried into their shoulders, whispering promises into the crook of his neck that they would always be there for him.

The person who stayed by his side the most was Morgan. He would sometimes sleep over and Reid allowed him to take the couch. It was nice to have some company, even if most of their conversations were dry with pregnant pauses in between.

After a bit, Reid found himself getting better. He would eat at every meal instead of once or twice a day and when he worked on cases, he didn't feel the need to connect everything with Maeve. Now a brown haired victim was just a brown haired victim, not Maeve Donovan.

But moving on made Spencer feel guilty and every once in a while, he would spend the night by his toilet, bare legs shivering against the cold, stone floor as he emptied out the contents of his stomach. It was hard, grieving was hard, living was hard but Spencer worked through it. He had the team by his side and as the months went by, everything got easier and easier.

It was long after her death that Spencer started to accept the idea of moving on, of finding someone new, but as much as he didn't like the idea, his heart longed for someone from his past, Derek Morgan. Spencer felt like their relationship was really doing well, that maybe Derek could feel the same way. That was until Derek mentioned a girl named Savannah more than a few times. And it wasn't even the amount of times her name came up in conversation, it was Morgan's face when her name left his lips. His eyes lit up and a smile erupted on his face and as he went on and on about her, Spencer felt his stomach twist and he wanted to throw up again.

He knew it wasn't fair, Morgan was happy and Spencer should be happy for him. In their line of work it was hard to have relationships, much less maintain them for as long as Morgan was. But even with his coworker's upbeat mood and constant smiles, Spencer found himself wishing Morgan had never met Savannah. It was a horrible thought and one that he was greatly ashamed of, but that didn't change the fact that he had entertained it.

The thought came back to him on Morgan's wedding day. Spencer was the best man and as he looked over at the man he had known for so long, his coworker, his brother, and most importantly, his best friend, he was happy for him, proud of him. His little crush seemed insignificant, a bittersweet 'what if' but the thought, ever persistent, was still there. And Spencer Reid hated himself for it, because he had known from the start that it was absolutely irresponsible to harbor feelings for his coworker.

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys, this is my first fic that wasn't a wip and i have mixed feelings abt this 2am creation. feedback and criticism is always appreciated. thank you for reading!


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